Welcome to the friend zone!

My friend Sheila* just got friend zoned.Yeah I know,do chics get friend zoned?Well they do,I know what your explanation for that is Sheila* is fat and homely.You are wrong,she is a very beautiful chic,if I do say so myself,no homo though.She is not ratchet or lose.She is smart too.She met this guy Joe*,he is in her study group and they were spending a lot of time together,she liked him a lot,found him funny and everything but the guy never made a move on her.She decided to be bold and asked him out,he was so uncomfortable,told her he had always thought of her as a friend,that she would make some guy very happy one day and patted her head awkwardly!She wanted to die!
We went over all the signs she ignored and I am going to tell you all about them so you will know if he ditches you in there.
The friend zone is a state of being where a male inadvertently becomes a ‘platonic friend’ of an attractive female who he was trying to intitate a romantic relationship. Females have been rumored to arrive in the Friend Zone, but reports are unsubstantiated.My list will substantiate them.

1.He calls you dude, mate or bruh.
This is actually funny,guys call each other mate or dude when hanging out,doing their guy stuff.So if he ever calls you dude in a text,or when you are just talking,then dude(lol),you have been served-with the friend zone.

2.He only hangs out with you in public.
If you have never seen this guy outside school,or work or Gallitos (where you and the rest of your study group sometimes eat lunch)then take a cue,he counts you as one of his friends.He might text you a lot you in private,but that is because he likes talking to his friends.If he wanted to know you better,then he would meet you somewhere else where you will be alone,and talk,or do other unfriendly stuff.

3.He talks to you about hot chics and flirts with them.
A pair of endless chocolate legs passes in a tight skirt and he whistles loudly and tells you damn!Then girl,its time to move on,A guy who wants to be with you thinks you are the hottest girl in the world,he might look at others but you will never hear about it,and most definitely, he will never touch.

4.There is no physical contact between you two.
A guy who wants to be with you shows it,his hand will “accidentally” brush on your bust while he reaches out for something,his hand will creep on yours in the movies,his hand will be on your back when crossing the road…He will find chances to touch you.But a with a friend,well that never happens.

5.He buys you beer.
Guys are turned off by a woman who drinks beer,so when out with their girlfriends you will see them buying them girly drinks like Redds or King Fisher and the likes but if a guy buys you Guinness Kubwa,chic,you are one of his boys.

6.Dutch Treat
Traditioanlly,a guy pays the bill,in the restaurant at the bar or wherever,but if he asks you to split it every time,then he does not care much about what you think of him.He is saving his money for when he will have a “real” girlfriend.

7.You feel it in your gut.
If your gut tells you that he is stringing you along,then accept and move on.Intuition is never wrong my darlings.

8.He sets you up on dates.
This is hilarious,if a guy tries to hook you up with his mate Paul while you have been making puppy eyes at him,that is it,mike on the floor move on.

Do not be like Sheila,find yourself a guy who will notice when you wear mascara,because honestly you are to him p***y in a glass case to be broken only incase of an emergency!

Thoughts down below will be appreciated!

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MEET YOUR NEXT DATE-THE MAN CHILD

Listen,
He got older, but never grew,
For his life he can’t tell the truth.
How to love he ain’t got a clue,
Playing games like he’ll never lose you.

Try to talk to him, can’t get through,
Every day he’s a different dude.
These are the signs of a grown ass boy,
Better run for the hills,
I’m just trying to keep it real.

Those are the lyrics of a favorite song of mine,You Cant raise a man by K Michelle.There is irrefutable truth in those words,if he is grown and still acts like a child,only a miracle can change him.Let me tell you all about him before you start dating him,you will thank me.
The online urban dictionary defines a man child as grown man who is very immature other words that describe him are loser,wampler,douchebag,shite face among others.
It is easy to mistake man child’s behavior as charming but no,don’t get it twisted if he has any of the following characteristics then its time to go.

1.He is obsessed with playing video games.
If the man in question is your 14 year old nephew or your little brother and every waking moment of his life is video games then he gets a pass.But if the man sat for his k.c.s.e several years before the Thika Super Highway was constructed but spends all of his free time killing people in video games,or playing fifa,then girl,you have yourself a man child.
A grown man has a life outside his mothers living room or his one roomed cubicle.

2.His mother still does his laundry and his shopping.
This schmuck’s mother still does his laundry?This means she feeds him too,never mind his facial shrub.He is a man who is still a child.He has no idea of his shirt size or even pants.If you gave him money and sent him to a gentleman’s shop to get pants he would come back empty handed. Ladies,don’t hold your breath it will take him a little more time maturing.

3.He is a whiner and is petty.
If everything is a huge deal,his busted cuticles make him go on a one hour rant,or he does not shut up about all the pressure he is under at work or about his annoying boss then you have a man child Hun.Grown people realize that stress is part of life,they do not whine about every single detail of their lives they also realize that they have plenty to be thankful for and they focus on it.A man child is also petty,he will obsess over the tiniest details of a situation,he will make sure the focus of everyone is on the dumb shit he is obsessing over.Run the other direction before he changes your thinking to mirror his childish one.

4.He never apologizes.
It is always someone else’s fault with the man child.It is not his fault you catch him cheating,it is not his fault he drove your car into a ditch notwithstanding the fact that he was high as a kite,its not his fault his house rent is not paid…he never runs of excuses,sorry is not a word he is familiar with. Don’t kid yourself,making excuses for his behavior for he will never change.

5.He is ever broke.
If he takes you to Highlands Restaurant or any other lousy hotel on Tom Mboya street and asks you to split a Ksh 600 bill then its time to move on hun.This man child is super broke,he probably asked his mother for that shinny k you just saw him give to the waiter.He gets money but his irresponsible ways take all of it.This guy is always whatsapping you,he has is in no position to buy credit and call you,his way of cruising through life is buying data bundles for Ksh 20 bob.Give him two weeks,he will be in a jam and will need to burrow some lose cash from you.There is no hope for him girl,single but happy is easier for you.

6.He has serious commitment issues.
A man child only wants to hit it and quit it.If you are looking for anything past a first date then look the other direction,the man child will break up with you even if you are not in a relationship.His issues are so deep he cannot commit himself to saying no.

7.Gadgets define his worth.
It is a guys thing to want flashy complicated gadgets that women folk find mysterious.It is a normal thing actually to want to own the best money can buy.But if someone is broke but the moment he gets a little money rushes to buy that Harley Davidson soft tail while his debts pile from here to Mecca then congratulations,you made the cut,you and thousands of other women are heartbreaks waiting to happen.

8.His social circle gets bigger as he gets older.
For grown people,your social circle gets smaller as you get older,You have no time to hang out all day,you have a job,bills and other responsibilities.The little time you get to hang out is with other people who are like minded to you.You cannot remember the last time you sat at the bar with your high school or college friends.A man child however has all the time,he hangs out from Sunday to Sunday with fellow men children(ha ha)

9.He is abusive.
A man child will abuse you and constantly put you down.Do not be fooled to think that he is not abusive because he has never laid a hand on you,he might be abusing you emotionally by his words and actions.A grown man will make you feel better about yourself,he will never say anything to make you question yourself or your choices,he supports and when he needs to give his opinion about anything he does so respectfully and tactfully.

10.He does not want to meet your friends.
A man child will come up with every excuse in the book to make sure he never meets any of your friends.Is this an indicator that he does not intend to stick around?huh?You think about it.

Don’t ignore the signs,don’t lie to yourself that you can change him,you simply cant because,dear you just cannot raise a man!Give yourself time,you will meet a grown man somewhere!
Tell a friend to tell a friend.

NIGHT SHIFT

7.36 pm I am sitting in the mat,my second one squashed between what seems like a billion children whose mother has decided ni watoto so halipi kiti…tsk….buzz buzz-my phone the hospital line is calling me,It is actually the nurse in charge asking for the fourteenth time nimefika wapi.I do not feel like answering her,she is just bugging me,am only six minutes late and two minutes away.And do I have to remind her that unlike her who leaves in the hospital servant quarters I take two matatus to work and a motorbike too sometimes?*sigh*

7.42 pm I open the office and flicker the lights on,before I put my hand bag down,a queue of disgruntled people has formed outside my office all convinced that their case is more important and is very much of an emergency.I issue them with the outpatient record cards and direct them to the casualty room where they instantly become the nurses’ headache as they all wheel their patients in the wheelchairs and stretchers at once in the barely enough room.She has a hard time arranging them in order of seriousness of the ailments.Meanwhile I settle down.Arrange the books,switch on the computer,check on the daily reports and make sure I have everything I need.See at night am an all rounded person,I take care of patients records; files and cards,I am the cashier, the secretary,the messenger,the receptionist and sometimes an M-pesa agent.

8.30 pm buzz buzz…the nurse needs my help.They is a patient that needs to be admitted but the doctor does not have any continuations inpatient sheets. Arggghh…that means that I have to go print and make copies at the secretary’s office.It takes me close to thirty minutes just switching the computer on,getting around the maze of passwords and finally making copies from the monstrous photocopier!

9.41 pm people still coming and going making payments and whatever.I am checking my Facebook and charging my phone.This place is cold.I head down to the maternity where the doctors common room is for tea.I sit there taking my tea while listening to women grunting in pain in the labor ward.Child birth is no joke people.Think shitting a melon.

10.20 pm buzz buzz…the nurse needs me back at my office.New patients who need cards and two who need to be admitted.One of them is an assault case beaten to soft pulp cannot utter a single word.Admitting a patient is a long ass process.The hospital requires loads of information:a patients entire family tree,religion affiliations,home county,district etc You have not seen a hard day until you have asked someone the name of their county and they tell you Muguga or Banana!I finish admitting them and think I will have a minute of silence but that is too much to ask for.

10.40 pm the nurse is swamped by work.A drunk guy was brought in unconscious the relatives claiming that it is unlike him to get that wasted. Alcohol poisoning.We all think.The doctor checks him out and certifies his death.Gasps and loud screams fill the room as the morgue guy comes in with his stretcher ready to take him away.(He is a very creepy guy by the way,I have never seen a guy who gets this excited while he sees a dead person)

11.15 pm the maternity nurses need me to go admit new-born babies to the new-born unit (NBU)because they were born with a few complications here and there like born prematurely and with very low birth weight(less that 1600 grams) and others that are beyond my comprehension.The NBU is the most sensitive place in the entire maternity ward since new borns are very vulnerable and susceptible to infections.You have to take your shoes off before entering,sanitize your hand before touching the babies and put on a gown on top of your clothes.The babies are so fragile,its humbling.

11.45 pm more patients coming in.A re-admission,meaning delving into the millions of files to get an old file.I get sent on an errand to the general ward(the place I hate the most in the hospital)The smell of medication,antiseptic,patients urine and other unpleasant things takes my breath away every time(and not in a good way at all).Before I can settle,I get sent to take a pint of blood from the laboratory to the general ward.Blood sickens me,literally.

12.05 a.m my head feels heavy.The cold is tearing through my layers of sweaters.The caffeine I had taken earlier is wearing off.Before I decided to lay down for a few minutes a bunch of people show up and I have to issue cards and wait for them to see the doctor to charge them for the services they will receive.Several of them are assault cases that need stitches…GREAT!

1.30 a.m I have been warding the sleep off by watching a series while i wait on the doctor to finish stitching up the guys who were brought in.They finally pay and leave.I decided to lay my head down but the loud wails of an ambulance fixates me on my seat.Another patient brought in from a health center who needs further consolations.More cards and files have to be filled.

2.17 a.m a certain calmness engulfs the hospital.We all decided to lay down and wait for the next round of madness.

3.09 a.m A loud knock on my window jolts me awake.New patients,a child with a crazy fever and convulsions.Another admission.takes about thirty minutes.My body is weak,am yawning on replay!

4.10 a.m The calm returns.I fall asleep.I dream am home in my warm bed.I dream my bank account is overflowing,that I never have to…

6.00 a.m My alarm wakes me cuts my dreams short.I have to tally the cards and file and get ready to go home.

7.30 a.m which way,gym or home?